At This Moment

its been a while dear

Me writing

Last was when 2 years back

Its too long

A long yet wonderful journey

And barely remember that i have a blog......

Today weather is hot

Where as for weeks it has been raining

After a storm of haze

Wandering in my small town, here i am

Writing for you

in a small cybercafe at the edge of the village

At this moment

i barely completed my housemanship in july 2019

And now crawling my life

Entangled with MO ship

Being a medical person is a day with a courage to wake up from sleep

A courage

A big one

You need it

Or else

You will be MIA, MC, ( excluding the true story of being sick, well it happen, after all doctor a human too)

Being a MO is different

They expecting you to be a functioning doctor

And every mistake is yours

No longer fall back to your superior, as it was in trainee

And i am not excluded from the list

Every journey in my life i think i start with fear

Fear

Fear

Fear

Fear of being poor

Fear of being nothing else if i dont study

Fear people wont appreciate me, or acknowledge me if i am stupid

Fear of being at the back

Fear of being nothing

That is how i start every moment of my life

So there she was, he was, and i was

I cant upgrade because i am too afraid to ask

I cant improve because i am too afraid of my senior

Respecting them? No, i think i am more afraid of them

There i am

And then, i realize, i cant be like this forever

I start to think after 2 years

Dear, being a doctor, only now i start to think hahaha

Using my brain

'All comes from your heart'

And this heart, my heart scares easily

And Allah said, this heart can be 'berbalik dan diterbalik'

Not fixed, Tidak tetap

You must be awesomely brilliant to trick it well

'All is well'

Like in 3 idiot movie ( one of brilliant movie human ever produce)

Does it solve your problem?

No, unfortunately

Haha

But at least, you have a courage to face them

Therefore i start to change my mindset

and it work i told you

But somehow, it doesnt seem right at certain time

I want more, i want it to save my problem..

What was that

Where is the loose screw?

Where is the last piece to complete this puzzle?

'Niat"

i wanted to ask

Is there among us, who are passionnlly, excitingly, wait for your next day of working?

Or when you start your round in the ward?

Or when you hold your scalpel?

Or when superior ask you a question?

Are you being happy? or scared? because you dont know the answer?

Me?

I am too afraid

Yes, i am still scare

it happens a lot in our life

There is no joy in learning, its all pressure

pressure

pressure

pressure

well this is a learning process, not a pressure cooker ( ranco)

So, i fixed this. I fixed my "niat"

i want to learn, and alhamdulilah,

Slowly i can see the way was beautifully described by God for me

And at this moment

I want to share this with you

Be brave

Miracle did happen

_here i attach some drawing i draw back then

2016-10-10 15.33.42

wan